Monday, November 26, 2012
The Big House, May 2014
I lie on our tartan picnic blanket and gaze up at the clear, blue, summer sky, my
view framed by meadow flowers and tall green grasses. The heat of the afternoon
summer sun warms my skin, my bones and my belly, and I relax, my body turning
to Jell-O. This is comfortable. Hell no . . . this is wonderful. I savor the moment, a
moment of peace, a moment of pure and utter contentment. I should feel guilty for
feeling this joy, this completeness, but I don’t. Life right here right now is good,
and I’ve learned to appreciate it and live in the moment like my husband. I smile
and squirm as my mind drifts to the delicious memory of last night at our home in
Escala . . .
The strands of the flogger skim across my swollen belly at an aching, languorous
“Have you had enough yet, Ana?” Christian whispers in my ear.
“Oh, please.” I beg, pulling on the restraints above my head as I stand blindfolded
and tethered to the grid in the playroom.
The flogger’s sweet sting bites into my behind.
I gasp. “Please, Sir.”
Christian places his hand over my ringing skin and rubs gently.
“There. There. There.” His words are soft. His hand moves south and around,
and his fingers slide inside me.
“Mrs. Grey,” he breathes, and his teeth pull on my earlobe. “You’re so
His fingers slide in and out of me, hitting that spot, that sweet, sweet spot
again. The flogger clatters onto the floor and his hand moves over my belly and
up to my breasts. I tense. They are sensitive.
“Hush,” Christian says, cupping one, and he gently brushes his thumb over
His fingers are gentle and enticing, and pleasure spirals out from my breast,
down, down . . . deep down. I tilt my head back, pushing my nipple into his palm,
and moan once more.
“I like to hear you,” Christian whispers. His erection is at my hip, the buttons
of his fly pressing into my flesh as his fingers continue their relentless assault: in,
out, in, out—keeping a rhythm. “Shall I make you come like this?” he asks.
His fingers stop moving inside me.
“Really, Mrs. Grey? Is it up to you?” His fingers tighten around my nipple.
“No . . . No, Sir.”
“Ah. Please,” I beg.
“What do you want, Anastasia?”
He inhales sharply.
“All of you,” I add, breathless.
He eases his fingers out of me, pulls me around to face him, and removes the
blindfold. I blink up into darkening gray eyes that burn into mine. His index fingers
trace my bottom lip, and he pushes his index and middle fingers into my
mouth, letting me taste the salty tang of my arousal.
“Suck,” he whispers. I swirl my tongue around and between his fingers.
Hmm . . . even I taste good on his fingers.
His hands skim up my arms to the cuffs above my head, and he unclips them,
freeing me. Turning me around so I’m facing the wall, he tugs on my braid,
pulling me into his arms. He angles my head to one side and skims his lips up my
throat to my ear while holding me flush against him.
“I want in your mouth.” His voice is soft and seductive. My body, ripe and
ready, clenches deep inside. The pleasure is sweet and sharp.
I moan. Turning to face him, I pull his head down to mine and kiss him hard,
my tongue invading his mouth, tasting and savoring him. He groans, places his
hands on my behind and tugs me against him, but only my pregnant belly touches
him. I bite his jaw and trail kisses down his throat and run my fingers down to his
jeans. He tilts his head back, exposing more of his throat to me, and I run my
tongue down to his chest and through his chest hair.
I tug the waistband of his jeans, the buttons popping, and he grasps my
shoulders as I sink to my knees in front of him.
As I gaze up at him through my lashes, he stares down at me. His eyes are
dark, his lips parted, and he inhales deeply when I free him and ensnare him with
my mouth. I love doing this to Christian. Watching him come apart, hearing his
breath hitch, and the soft moans he makes deep in his throat. I close my eyes and
suck hard, pressing down on him, relishing his taste and his breathless gasp.
He grasps my head, stilling me, and I sheath my teeth with my lips and push
him deeper into my mouth.
“Open your eyes and look at me,” he orders, his voice low.
Blazing eyes meet mine and he flexes his hips, filling my mouth to the back
of my throat then withdrawing quickly. He pushes into me again and I reach up to
grab him. He stops and holds me in place.
“Don’t touch or I’ll cuff you again. I just want your mouth,” he growls.
Oh my. Like that is it? I put my hands behind my back and gaze up at him innocently
with my mouth full.
“Good girl,” he says, smirking down at me, his voice hoarse. He eases back,
and holding me gently but firmly, he pushes into me again. “You have such a
fuckable mouth, Mrs. Grey.” He closes his eyes and eases into my mouth as I
squeeze him between my lips, running my tongue over and around him. I take him
deeper and withdraw, again and again and again, the air hissing between his teeth.
“Ah! Stop,” he says, and he pulls out of me, leaving me wanting more. He
grasps my shoulders and pulls me to my feet. Grabbing my braid, he kisses me
hard, his persistent tongue greedy and giving at once. Suddenly he releases me,
and before I know it, he’s lifted me into his arms and moved over to the fourposter.
Gently, he lays me down so that my behind is just on the edge of the bed.
“Wrap your legs around my waist,” he orders. I do and pull him toward me.
He leans down, hands either side of my head, and still standing, very slowly eases
himself into me.
Oh, that feels so good. I close my eyes and revel in his slow possession.
“Okay?” he asks, his concern evident in his tone.
“Oh, God, Christian. Yes. Yes. Please.” I tighten my legs around him and
push against him. He groans. I clasp his arms, and he flexes his hips slowly at
first, in, out.
“Christian, please. Harder—I won’t break.”
He groans and starts to move, really move, pounding into me again and
again. Oh, it’s heavenly.
“Yes,” I gasp, tightening my hold on him as I start to build . . . He moans,
grinding into me with renewed determination . . . and I’m close. Oh, please. Don’t
“Come on, Ana,” he groans through gritted teeth, and I explode around him,
my orgasm going on and on and on. I call out his name and Christian stills, groaning
loudly, as he climaxes inside me.
“Ana,” he cries.
Christian lies beside me, his hand caressing my belly, his long fingers splayed out
“How’s my daughter?”
“She’s dancing.” I laugh.
“Dancing? Oh yes! Wow. I can feel her.” He grins as Blip Two somersaults
“I think she likes sex already.”
Christian frowns. “Really?” he says dryly. He moves so his lips are against
my bump. “There’ll be none of that until you’re thirty, young lady.”
I giggle. “Oh, Christian, you are such a hypocrite.”
“No, I’m an anxious father.” He gazes up at me, his brow furrowed, betraying
“You’re a wonderful father, as I knew you would be.” I caress his lovely
face, and he gives me his shy smile.
“I like this,” he murmurs, stroking then kissing my belly. “There’s more of
I pout. “I don’t like more of me.”
“It’s great when you come.”
“And I’m looking forward to the taste of breast milk again.”
“Christian! You are such a kinky—”
He swoops on me suddenly, kissing me hard, throwing his leg over mine, and
grabbing my hands so they are above my head. “You love the kinky fuckery,” he
whispers, and he runs his nose down mine.
I grin, caught in his infectious, wicked smile. “Yes, I love the kinky fuckery.
And I love you. Very much.”
I jerk awake, woken by a high-pitched squeal of delight from my son, and even
though I can’t see him or Christian, I grin like an idiot with my glee. Ted has
woken from his nap, and he and Christian are romping nearby. I lie quietly, still
marveling at Christian’s capacity for play. His patience with Teddy is extraordinary—
much more so than with me. I snort. But then, that’s how it should be. And
my beautiful little boy, the apple of his mother and father’s eyes, knows no fear.
Christian, on the other hand, is still too overprotective—of both of us. My sweet,
mercurial, controlling Fifty.
“Let’s find Mommy. She’s here in the meadow somewhere.”
Ted says something I don’t hear, and Christian laughs freely, happily. It’s a
magical sound, filled with his paternal joy. I can’t resist. I struggle up onto my elbows
to spy on them from my hiding place in the long grass.
Christian is swinging Ted around and around, making him squeal once more
in delight. He stops, launches him high into the air—I stop breathing—then he
catches him. Ted shrieks with childish abandon and I breathe a sigh of relief. Oh
my little man, my darling little man, always on the go.
“ ‘Gain, Daddy!” he squeals. Christian obliges, and my heart leaps into my
mouth once more as he tosses Teddy into the air then catches him again, clutching
him close. Christian kisses Ted’s copper-colored hair, and blows a kiss on his
cheek, then tickles him mercilessly for a moment. Teddy howls with laughter,
squirming and pushing against Christian’s chest, wanting out of his arms. Grinning,
Christian sets him on the ground.
“Let’s find Mommy. She’s hiding in the grass.”
Ted beams, enjoying the game, and looks around the meadow. Grasping
Christian’s hand, he points to somewhere I’m not, and it makes me giggle. I lie
back down quickly, delighting in this game.
“Ted, I heard Mommy. Did you hear her?”
I giggle-snort at Ted’s imperious tone. Jeez—so like his dad, and he’s only
“Teddy!” I call back, gazing up the sky with a ridiculous grin on my face.
All too soon I hear their footsteps trampling through the meadow, and first
Ted then Christian bursts through the long grass.
“Mommy!” Ted screeches as if he’s found the lost treasure of the Sierra
Madre, and he leaps onto me.
“Hey, baby boy!” I cradle him against me and kiss his chubby cheek. He
giggles and kisses me in return, then struggles out of my arms.
“Hello, Mommy.” Christian smiles down at me.
“Hello, Daddy.” I grin, and he picks Ted up, and sits down beside me with
our son in his lap.
“Gently with Mommy,” he admonishes Ted. I smirk—the irony is not lost on
me. From his pocket, Christian produces his BlackBerry and gives it to Ted. This
will probably win us five minutes of peace, maximum. Teddy studies it, his little
brow furrowed. He looks so serious, blue eyes concentrating hard, just like his
daddy does when he reads his e-mails. Christian nuzzles Ted’s hair, and my heart
swells to look at them both. Two peas in a pod: my son sitting quietly—for a few
moments at least—in my husband’s lap. My two favorite men in the whole world.
Of course, Ted is the most beautiful and talented child on the planet, but then
I am his mother so I would think that. And Christian is . . . well, Christian is just
himself. In white T-shirt and jeans, he looks as hot as usual. What did I do to win
such a prize?
“You look well, Mrs. Grey.”
“As do you, Mr. Grey.”
“Isn’t Mommy pretty?” Christian whispers in Ted’s ear. Ted swats him away,
more interested in Daddy’s BlackBerry.
I giggle. “You can’t get around him.”
“I know.” Christian grins and kisses Ted’s hair. “I can’t believe he’ll be two
tomorrow.” His tone is wistful. Reaching across, he spreads his hand over my
bump. “Let’s have lots of children,” he says.
“One more at least.” I grin, and he caresses my belly.
“How is my daughter?”
“She’s good. Asleep, I think.”
“Hello, Mr. Grey. Hi, Ana.”
We both turn to see Sophie, Taylor’s ten-year-old daughter, appear out of the
“Soeee,” Ted squeals with delighted recognition. He struggles out of Christian’s
lap, discarding the BlackBerry.
“I have some popsicles from Gail,” Sophie says. “Can I give one to Ted?”
“Sure,” I say. Oh dear, this is going to be messy.
“Pop!” Ted holds out his hands and Sophie passes one to him. It’s dripping
“Here—let Mommy see.” I sit up, take the popsicle from Ted, and quickly
slip it into my mouth, licking off the excess juice. Hmm . . . cranberry, cool and
“Mine!” Ted protests, his voice ringing with indignation.
“Here you go.” I hand him back a slightly less runny popsicle, and it goes
straight into his mouth. He grins.
“Can Ted and I go for a walk?” Sophie asks.
“Don’t go too far.”
“No, Mr. Grey.” Sophie’s hazel eyes are wide and serious. I think she’s a
little frightened of Christian. She holds her hand out, and Teddy takes it willingly.
They trudge away together through the long grass.
Christian watches them.
“They’ll be fine, Christian. What harm could come to them here?” He frowns
at me momentarily, and I crawl over and into his lap.
“Besides, Ted is completely smitten with Sophie.”
Christian snorts and nuzzles my hair. “She’s a delightful child.”
“She is. So pretty, too. A blonde angel.”
Christian stills and places his hands on my belly. “Girls, eh?” There’s a hint
of trepidation in his voice. I curl my hand behind his head.
“You don’t have to worry about your daughter for at least another three
months. I have her covered here. Okay?”
He kisses me behind my ear and scrapes his teeth around the edge to the lobe.
“Whatever you say, Mrs. Grey.” Then he bites me. I yelp.
“I enjoyed last night,” he says. “We should do that more often.”
“And we could, if you stopped working . . .”
I roll my eyes and he tightens his arms around me and grins into my neck.
“Are you rolling your eyes at me Mrs. Grey?” His threat is implicit but sensual,
making me squirm, but as we’re in the middle of the meadow with the kids
nearby, I ignore his invitation.
“Grey Publishing has an author on the New York Times Best Sellers—Boyce
Fox’s sales are phenomenal, the e-book side of our business has exploded, and I
finally have the team I want around me.”
“And you’re making money in these difficult times,” Christian adds, his
voice reflecting his pride. “But . . . I like you barefoot and pregnant and in my
I lean back so I can see his face. He gazes down at me, eyes bright.
“I like that, too,” I murmur, and he kisses me, his hands still spread across my
Seeing he’s in a good mood, I decide to broach a delicate subject. “Have you
thought any more about my suggestion?”
He stills. “Ana, the answer is no.”
“But Ella is such a lovely name.”
“I am not naming my daughter after my mother. No. End of discussion.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Grasping my chin, he gazes earnestly down at me, radiating exasperation.
“Ana, give it up. I don’t want my daughter tainted by my past.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.” Shit . . . I don’t want to anger him.
“That’s better. Stop trying to fix it,” he mutters. “You got me to admit I loved
her, you dragged me to her grave. Enough.”
Oh no. I twist in his lap to straddle him and grasp his head in my hands.
“I’m sorry. Really. Don’t be angry with me, please.” I kiss him, then kiss the
corner of his mouth. After a beat, he points to the other corner, and I smile and
kiss it. He points to his nose. I kiss that. He grins and places his hands on my
“Oh, Mrs. Grey—what am I going to do with you?”
“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” I murmur. He grins and, twisting suddenly,
he pushes me down onto the blanket.
“How about I do it now?” he whispers with a salacious smile.
“Christian!” I gasp.
Suddenly there’s a high-pitched cry from Ted. Christian leaps to his feet with
a panther’s easy grace and races toward the source of the sound. I follow at a
more leisurely pace. Secretly, I’m not as concerned as Christian—it was not a cry
that would make me take the stairs two at a time to find out what’s wrong.
Christian swings Teddy up into his arms. Our little boy is crying inconsolably
and pointing to the ground, where the remains of his popsicle lie in a soggy mess,
melting into the grass.
“He dropped it,” Sophie says, sadly. “He could have had mine, but I’ve finished
“Oh, Sophie darling, don’t worry.” I stroke her hair.
“Mommy!” Ted wails, holding his hands out to me. Christian reluctantly lets
him go as I reach for him.
“Pop,” he sobs.
“I know, baby boy. We’ll go see Mrs. Taylor and get another one.” I kiss his
head . . . oh, he smells so good. He smells of my baby boy.
“Pop,” he sniffs. I take his hand and kiss his sticky fingers.
“I can taste your popsicle here on your fingers.”
Ted stops crying and examines his hand.
“Put your fingers in your mouth.”
He does. “Pop!”
He grins. My mercurial little boy, just like his dad. Well, at least he has an
excuse—he’s only two.
“Shall we go see Mrs. Taylor?” He nods, smiling his beautiful baby smile.
“Will you let Daddy carry you?” He shakes his head and wraps his arms around
my neck, hugging me tightly, his face pressed against my throat.
“I think Daddy wants to taste popsicle, too,” I whisper in Ted’s little ear. Ted
frowns at me, then looks at his hand and holds it out to Christian. Christian smiles
and puts Ted’s fingers in his mouth.
“Hmm . . . tasty.”
Ted giggles and reaches up, wanting Christian to hold him. Christian grins at
me and takes Ted in his arms, settling him on his hip.
“Sophie, where’s Gail?”
“She was in the big house.”
I glance at Christian. His smile has turned bittersweet, and I wonder what
“You’re so good with him,” he murmurs.
“This little one?” I ruffle Ted’s hair. “It’s only because I have the measure of
you Grey men.” I smirk at my husband.
He laughs. “Yes, you do, Mrs. Grey.”
Teddy squirms out of Christian’s hold. Now he wants to walk, my stubborn
little man. I take one of his hands, and his dad takes the other, and together we
swing Teddy between us all the way back to the house, Sophie skipping along in
front of us.
I wave to Taylor who, on a rare day-off, is outside the garage, dressed in
jeans and a wife-beater, as he tinkers with an old motorbike.
I pause outside the door to Ted’s room and listen as Christian reads to Ted. “I am
the Lorax! I speak for the trees . . .”1
When I peek in, Teddy is fast asleep while Christian continues to read. He glances
up when I open the door and closes the book. He puts his finger to his lips and
switches on the baby monitor beside Ted’s crib. He adjusts Ted’s bedclothes,
strokes his cheek, then straightens up, and tiptoes over to me without making a
sound. It’s hard not to giggle at him.
Out in the hallway, Christian pulls me into his embrace. “God, I love him, but
it’s great when he’s asleep,” he murmurs against my lips.
“I couldn’t agree with you more.”
He gazes down at me, eyes soft. “I can hardly believe he’s been with us for
“I know.” I kiss him, and for a moment, I’m transported back to Teddy’s
birth: the emergency caesarian, Christian’s crippling anxiety, Dr. Greene’s nononsense
calm when my Little Blip was in distress. I shudder inwardly at the
“Mrs. Grey, you’ve been in labor for fifteen hours now. Your contractions have
slowed in spite of the Pitocin. We need to do a C-section—the baby is in distress.”
Dr. Greene is adamant.
“About fucking time!” Christian growls at her. Dr. Greene ignores him.
“Christian, quiet.” I squeeze his hand. My voice is low and weak and
everything is fuzzy—the walls, the machines, the green-gowned people . . . I just
want to go to sleep. But I have something important to do first . . . Oh yes. “I
wanted to push him out myself.”
“Mrs. Grey, please. C-section.”
“Please, Ana,” Christian pleads.
“Can I sleep then?”
“Yes, baby, yes.” It’s almost a sob, and Christian kisses my forehead.
“I want to see the Lil’ Blip.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“Finally,” Dr. Greene mutters. “Nurse, page the anesthesiologist. Dr. Miller,
prep for a C-section. Mrs. Grey, we are going to move you to the OR.”
“Move?” Christian and I speak at once.
And suddenly we’re moving—quickly, the lights on the ceiling blurring into
one long bright strip as I’m whisked across the corridor.
“Mr. Grey, you’ll need to change into scrubs.”
“Now, Mr. Grey.”
He squeezes my hand and releases me.
“Christian,” I call, panic setting in.
We are through another set of doors, and in no time a nurse is setting up a
screen across my chest. The door opens and closes, and there’s so many people in
the room. It’s so loud . . . I want to go home.
“Christian?” I search the faces in the room for my husband.
“He’ll be with you in a moment, Mrs. Grey.”
A moment later, he’s beside me, in blue scrubs, and I reach for his hand.
“I’m frightened,” I whisper.
“No, baby, no. I’m here. Don’t be frightened. Not my strong Ana.” He kisses
my forehead, and I can tell by the tone of his voice that something’s wrong.
“What is it?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s fine. Baby, you’re just exhausted.” His eyes
burn with fear.
“Mrs. Grey, the anesthesiologist is here. He’s going to adjust your epidural,
and then we can proceed.”
“She’s having another contraction.”
Everything tightens like a steel band around my belly. Shit! I crush Christian’s
hand as I ride it out. This is what’s tiring—enduring this pain. I am so tired. I
can feel the numbing liquid spread . . . spread down. I concentrate on Christian’s
face. On the furrow between his brows. He’s tense. He’s worried. Why is he
“Can you feel this, Mrs. Grey?” Dr. Greene’s disembodied voice is coming
from behind the curtain.
“You can’t feel it.”
“Good. Dr. Miller, let’s go.”
“You’re doing well, Ana.”
Christian is pale. There is sweat on his brow. He’s scared. Don’t be scared,
Christian. Don’t be scared.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“Oh, Ana,” he sobs. “I love you, too, so much.”
I feel a strange pulling deep inside. Like nothing I’ve felt before. Christian
looks over the screen and blanches, but stares, fascinated.
“Suction! Good . . .”
Suddenly, there’s a piercing angry cry.
“You have a boy, Mrs. Grey. Check his Apgar.”
“Apgar is nine.”
“Can I see him?” I gasp.
Christian disappears from view for a second and reappears a moment later,
holding my son, swathed in blue. His face is pink, and covered in white mush and
blood. My baby. My Blip . . . Theodore Raymond Grey.
When I glance at Christian, he has tears in his eyes.
“Here’s your son, Mrs. Grey,” he whispers, his voice strained and hoarse.
“Our son,” I breathe. “He’s beautiful.”
“He is,” Christian says and plants a kiss on our beautiful boy’s forehead beneath
a shock of dark hair. Theodore Raymond Grey is oblivious. Eyes closed, his
earlier crying forgotten, he’s asleep. He is the most beautiful sight I have ever
seen. So beautiful, I begin to weep.
“Thank you, Ana,” Christian whispers, and there are tears in his eyes too.
“What is it?” Christian tilts my chin back.
“I was just remembering Ted’s birth.”
Christian blanches and cups my belly.
“I am not going through that again. Elective caesarian this time.”
“No, Ana. You nearly fucking died last time. No.”
“I did not nearly die.”
“No.” He’s emphatic and not to be argued with, but as he gazes down at me,
his eyes soften. “I like the name Phoebe,” he whispers, and runs his nose down
“Phoebe Grey? Phoebe . . . Yes. I like that, too.” I grin up at him.
“Good. I want to set up Ted’s present.” He takes my hand, and we head
downstairs. His excitement radiates off him; Christian has been waiting for this
moment all day.
“Do you think he’ll like it?” His apprehensive gaze meets mine.
“He’ll love it. For about two minutes. Christian, he’s only two.”
Christian has finished setting up the wooden train set he bought Teddy for his
birthday. He’s had Barney at the office convert two of the little engines to run on
solar power like the helicopter I gave Christian a few years ago. Christian seems
anxious for the sun to rise. I suspect that’s because he wants to play with the train
set himself. The layout covers most of the stone floor of our outdoor room.
Tomorrow we will have a family party for Ted. Ray and José will be coming
and all the Grey’s, including Ted’s new cousin Ava, Kate and Elliot’s two-monthold
daughter. I look forward to catching up with Kate and seeing how motherhood
is agreeing with her.
I gaze up at the view as the sun sinks behind the Olympic Peninsula. It’s
everything Christian promised it would be, and I get the same joyful thrill seeing
it now as I did the first time. It’s simply stunning: twilight over the Sound. Christian
pulls me into his arms.
“It’s quite a view.”
“It is,” Christian answers, and when I turn to look at him, he’s gazing at me.
He plants a soft kiss on my lips. “It’s a beautiful view,” he murmurs. “My
He grins and kisses me again. “I love you, Mrs. Grey.”
“I love you, too, Christian. Always.”
I can barely breathe. Do I want to hear this? Christian closes his eyes and swallows.
When he opens them again, they are bright but diffident, full of disquieting
“It was a hot summer day. I was working hard.” He snorts and shakes his
head, suddenly amused. “It was backbreaking work shifting that rubble. I was on
my own, and Ele—Mrs. Lincoln appeared out of nowhere and brought me some
lemonade. We exchanged small talk, and I made some smart-ass remark . . . and
she slapped me. She slapped me so hard.” Unconsciously, his hand moves to his
face and he caresses his cheek, his eyes clouding at the memory. Holy shit!
“But then she kissed me. And when she finished, she slapped me again.” He
blinks, seemingly still confounded even after all this time.
“I’d never been kissed before or hit like that.”
Oh. She pounced. On a kid.
“Do you want to hear this?” Christians asks.
Yes . . . No . . .
“Only if you want to tell me.” My voice is small as I lie facing him, my mind
“I’m trying to give you some context.”
I nod in what I hope is an encouraging manner. But I suspect I may look like
a statue, frozen and wide-eyed with shock.
He frowns, his eyes searching mine, trying to gauge my reaction. Then he
turns onto his back and stares up at the ceiling.
“Well, naturally, I was confused and angry and horny as hell. I mean, a hot
older woman comes on to you like that—” He shakes his head as if he still can’t
Hot? I feel queasy.
“She went back into the house, leaving me in the backyard. She acted as if
nothing had happened. I was at a total loss. So I went back to work, loading the
rubble into the dumpster. When I left that evening, she asked me to come back the
next day. She didn’t mention what had happened. So the next day I went back. I
couldn’t wait to see her again,” he whispers as if it’s a dark confession . . . because
frankly it is.
“She didn’t touch me when she kissed me,” he murmurs and turns his head to
gaze at me. “You have to understand . . . my life was hell on earth. I was a
walking hard-on, fifteen years old, tall for my age, hormones raging. The girls at
school—” He stops, but I’ve got the picture: a scared, lonely, but attractive adolescent.
My heart twists.
“I was angry, so fucking angry at everyone, at myself, my folks. I had no
friends. My therapist at the time was a total asshole. My folks, they kept me on a
tight leash; they didn’t understand.” He stares back up at the ceiling and runs a
hand through his hair. I itch to run my fingers through his hair, too, but I stay still.
“I just couldn’t bear anyone to touch me. I couldn’t. Couldn’t bear anyone
near me. I used to fight . . . fuck, did I fight. I got into some god-awful brawls. I
was expelled from a couple of schools. But it was a way to let off steam. To
tolerate some kind of physical contact.” He stops again. “Well, you get the idea.
And when she kissed me, she only grabbed my face. She didn’t touch me.” His
voice is barely audible.
She must have known. Perhaps Grace had told her. Oh, my poor Fifty. I have
to fold my hands beneath my pillow and rest my head on it in order to resist the
urge to hold him.
“Well, the next day I went back to the house, not knowing what to expect.
And I’ll spare you the gory details, but there was more of the same. And that’s
how our relationship started.”
Oh, fuck, this is painful to hear.
He shifts again onto his side so he’s facing me.
“And you know something, Ana? My world came into focus. Sharp and clear.
Everything. It was exactly what I needed. She was a breath of fresh air. Making
the decisions, taking all that shit away from me, letting me breathe.”
“And even when it was over, my world stayed in focus because of her. And it
stayed that way until I met you.”
What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Tentatively, he smoothes a stray
lock of my hair behind my ear.
“You turned my world on its head.” He closes his eyes, and when he opens
them again, they are raw. “My world was ordered, calm and controlled, then you
came into my life with your smart mouth, your innocence, your beauty, and your
quiet temerity . . . and everything before you was just dull, empty, mediocre . . . it
“I fell in love,” he whispers.
I stop breathing. He caresses my cheek.
“So did I,” I murmur with the little breath I have left.
His eyes soften. “I know,” he mouths.
Hallelujah! I smile shyly at him. “Finally,” I whisper.
He nods. “And it’s put everything into perspective for me. When I was
younger, Elena was the center of my world. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for
her. And she did a lot for me. She stopped my drinking. Made me work hard at
school . . . You know, she gave me a coping mechanism I hadn’t had before, allowed
me to experience things that I never thought I could.”
“Touch,” I whisper.
He nods. “After a fashion.”
I frown, wondering what he means.
He hesitates at my reaction.
Tell me! I will him.
“If you grow up with a wholly negative self-image, thinking you’re some
kind of reject, an unlovable savage, you think you deserve to be beaten.”
Christian . . . you are none of those things.
He pauses and runs his hand through his hair. “Ana, it’s much easier to wear
your pain on the outside . . .” Again, it’s a confession.
“She channeled my anger.” His mouth presses together in a bleak line.
“Mostly inward—I realize that now. Dr. Flynn’s been on and on about this for
some time. It was only recently that I saw our relationship for what it was. You
know . . . on my birthday.”
I shudder as the unwelcome memory of Elena and Christian verbally eviscerating
each other at Christian’s birthday party surfaces unwelcome in my mind.
“For her that side of our relationship was about sex and control and a lonely
woman finding some kind of comfort with her boy toy.”
“But you like control,” I whisper.
“Yes. I do. I always will, Ana. It’s who I am. I surrendered it for a brief
while. Let someone make all my decisions for me. I couldn’t do it myself—I
wasn’t in a fit state. But through my submission to her, I found myself and found
the strength to take charge of my life . . . take control and make my own
“Become a Dom?”
“Dropping out of Harvard?”
“My decision, and it was the best decision I ever made. Until I met you.”
“Yes.” His lips quirk up in a soft smile. “The best decision I ever made was
Oh my. “Not starting your company?”
He shakes his head.
“Not learning to fly?”
He shakes his head. “You,” he mouths. He caresses my cheek with his
knuckles. “She knew,” he whispers.
I frown. “She knew what?”
“That I was head over heels in love with you. She encouraged me to go down
to Georgia to see you, and I’m glad she did. She thought you’d freak out and
leave. Which you did.”
I pale. I’d rather not think about that.
“She thought I needed all the trappings of the lifestyle I enjoyed.”
“The Dom?” I whisper.
He nods. “It enabled me to keep everyone at arm’s length, gave me control,
and kept me detached, or so I thought. I’m sure you’ve worked out why,” he adds
“Your birth mom?”
“I didn’t want to be hurt again. And then you left me.” His words are barely
audible. “And I was a mess.”
“I’ve avoided intimacy for so long—I don’t know how to do this.”
“You’re doing fine,” I murmur. I trace his lips with my index finger. He
purses them into a kiss. You’re talking to me.
“Do you miss it?” I whisper.
“Yes, I do.”
“But only insofar as I miss the control it brings. And frankly, your stupid
stunt”—he stops—“that saved my sister,” he whispers, his words full of relief,
awe, and disbelief. “That’s how I know.”
“Really know that you love me.”
I frown. “You do?”
“Yes. Because you risked so much . . . for me, for my family.”
My frown deepens. He reaches over and traces his finger over the middle of
my brow above my nose.
“You have a V here when you frown,” he murmurs. “It’s very soft to kiss. I
can behave so badly . . . and yet you’re still here.”
“Why are you surprised I’m still here? I told you I wasn’t going to leave
“Because of the way that I behaved when you told me you were pregnant.”
He runs his finger down my cheek. “You were right. I am an adolescent.”
Oh shit . . . I did say that. My subconscious glares at me. His doctor said
“Christian, I said some awful things.” He puts his index finger over my lips.
“Hush. I deserved to hear them. Besides this is my bedtime story.” He rolls
onto his back again.
“When you told me you were pregnant—” He stops. “I’d thought it would be
just you and me for a while. I’d considered children, but only in the abstract. I had
this vague idea we’d have a child sometime in the future.”
Just one? No . . . Not an only child. Not like me. Perhaps now’s not the best
time to bring that up.
“You are still so young, and I know you’re quietly ambitious.”
“Well, you pulled the rug from under me. Christ, was that unexpected. Never
in a million years, when I asked you what was wrong, did I expect you to be pregnant.”
He sighs. “I was so mad. Mad at you. Mad at myself. Mad at everyone.
And it took me back, that feeling of nothing being in my control. I had to get out.
I went to see Flynn, but he was at some school parents’ evening.” Christian
pauses and arches an eyebrow.
“Ironic,” I whisper. Christian smirks in agreement.
“So I walked and walked and walked, and I just . . . found myself at the
salon. Elena was leaving. She was surprised to see me. And, truth be told, I was
surprised to find myself there. She could tell I was mad and asked me if I wanted
Oh shit. We’ve cut to the chase. My heart doubles in speed. Do I really want
to know this? My subconscious glares at me, a plucked eyebrow raised in
“We went to a quiet bar I know and had a bottle of wine. She apologized for
the way she behaved the last time she saw us. She’s hurt that my mom will have
nothing to do with her any more—it’s narrowed her social circle—but she understands.
We talked about the business, which is doing fine, in spite of the recession
. . . I mentioned that you wanted kids.”
I frown. “I thought you let her know I was pregnant.”
He regards me, his face guileless. “No, I didn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that?”
He shrugs. “I never got the chance.”
“Yes, you did.”
“I couldn’t find you the next morning, Ana. And when I did, you were so
mad at me . . .”
Oh, yes. “I was.”
“Anyway, at some point in the evening—about halfway through the second
bottle—she leaned over to touch me. And I froze,” he whispers, throwing his arm
over his eyes.
My scalp tingles. What’s this?
“She saw that I recoiled from her. It shocked both of us.” His voice is low,
Christian look at me! I tug at his arm and he lowers it, turning to gaze into
my eyes. Shit. His face is pale, his eyes wide.
“What?” I breathe.
He frowns, and swallows.
Oh . . . what isn’t he telling me? Do I want to know?
“She made a pass at me.” He’s shocked, I can tell.
All the breath is sucked from my body. I feel winded, and I think my heart
has stopped. That fucking bitch troll!
“It was a moment, suspended in time. She saw my expression, and she realized
how far she’d crossed the line. I said . . . no. I haven’t thought of her like that
for years, and besides”—he swallows—“I love you. I told her, I love my wife.”
I gaze at him. I don’t know what to say.
“She backed right off. Apologized again, made it seem like a joke. I mean,
she said she’s happy with Isaac and with the business and she doesn’t bear either
of us any ill will. She said she missed my friendship, but she could see that my
life was with you now. And how awkward that was, given what happened last
time we were all in the same room. I couldn’t have agreed with her more. We said
our good-byes—our final good-byes. I said I wouldn’t see her again, and she went
on her way.”
I swallow, fear gripping my heart. “Did you kiss?”
“No!” he snorts. “I couldn’t bear to be that close to her.”
“I was miserable. I wanted to come home to you. But . . . I knew I’d behaved
badly. I stayed and finished the bottle, then started on the bourbon. While I was
drinking, I remember you saying to me some time ago, ‘If that was my son . . .’
And I got to thinking about Junior and about how Elena and I started. And it made
me feel . . . uncomfortable. I’d never thought of it like that before.”
A memory blossoms in my mind—a whispered conversation from when I
was half conscious—Christian’s voice: “But seeing her finally put it all in perspective
for me. You know . . . with the child. For the first time I felt . . . What we
did . . . it was wrong.” He’d been speaking to Grace.
“Yes. It’s been over since I laid eyes on you. I finally realized it that night
and so did she.”
“I’m sorry,” I mutter.
He frowns. “What for?”
“Being so angry the next day.”
He snorts. “Baby, I understand angry.” He pauses then sighs. “You see, Ana,
I want you to myself. I don’t want to share you. What we have, I’ve never had before.
I want to be the center of your universe, for a while at least.”
Oh, Christian. “You are. That’s not going to change.”
He gives me an indulgent, sad, resigned smile. “Ana,” he whispers. “That’s
just not true.”
Tears prick my eyes.
“How can it be?” he murmurs.
“Shit—don’t cry, Ana. Please, don’t cry.” He caresses my face.
“I’m sorry.” My lower lip trembles, and he brushes his thumb over it, soothing
“No, Ana, no. Don’t be sorry. You’ll have someone else to love as well. And
you’re right. That’s how it should be.”
“Blip will love you, too. You’ll be the center of Blip’s—Junior’s world,” I
whisper. “Children love their parents unconditionally, Christian. That’s how they
come into the world. Programmed to love. All babies . . . even you. Think about
that children’s book you liked when you were small. You still wanted your mom.
You loved her.”
He furrows his brow and withdraws his hand, fisting it against his chin.
“No,” he whispers.
“Yes. You did.” My tears flow freely now. “Of course you did. It wasn’t an
option. That’s why you’re so hurt.”
He stares at me, his expression raw.
“That’s why you’re able to love me,” I murmur. “Forgive her. She had her
own world of pain to deal with. She was a shitty mother, and you loved her.”
He gazes at me, saying nothing, eyes haunted—by memories I can’t begin to
Oh, please don’t stop talking.
Eventually he says, “I used to brush her hair. She was pretty.”
“One look at you and no one would doubt that.”
“She was a shitty mother.” His voice is barely audible.
I nod and he closes his eyes. “I’m scared I’ll be a shitty father.”
I stroke his dear face. Oh, my Fifty, Fifty, Fifty. “Christian, do you think for
one minute I’d let you be a shitty father?”
He opens his eyes and gazes at me for what feels like an eternity. He smiles
as relief slowly illuminates his face. “No, I don’t think you would.” He caresses
my face with the back of his knuckles, gazing at me in wonder. “God, you’re
strong, Mrs. Grey. I love you so much.” He kisses my forehead. “I didn’t know I
“Oh, Christian,” I whisper, trying to contain my emotions.
“Now, that’s the end of your bedtime story.”
“That’s some bedside story . . .”
He smiles wistfully, but I think he’s relieved. “How’s your head?”
“My head?” Actually, it’s about to explode with all you’ve told me!
“Does it hurt?”
“Good. I think you should sleep now.”
Sleep! How can I sleep after all that?
“Sleep,” he says sternly. “You need it.”
I pout. “I have one question.”
“Oh? What?” He eyes me warily.
“Why have you suddenly become all . . . forthcoming, for want of a better
“You’re telling me all this, when getting information out of you is normally a
pretty harrowing and trying experience.”
“You know it is.”
“Why am I being forthcoming? I can’t say. Seeing you practically dead on
the cold concrete, maybe. The fact I’m going to be a father. I don’t know. You
said you wanted to know, and I don’t want Elena to come between us. She can’t.
She’s the past, and I’ve said that to you so many times.”
“If she hadn’t made a pass at you . . . would you still be friends?”
“That’s more than one question.”
“Sorry. You don’t have to tell me.” I flush. “You’ve already volunteered
more than I ever thought you would.”
His gaze softens. “No, I don’t think so, but she’s felt like unfinished business
since my birthday. She stepped over the line, and I’m done. Please, believe me.
I’m not going to see her again. You said she’s a hard limit for you. That’s a term I
understand,” he says with quiet sincerity.
Okay. I’m going to let this go now. My subconscious sags into her armchair.
“Goodnight, Christian. Thank you for the enlightening bedtime story.” I lean
over to kiss him, and our lips touch briefly, but he pulls back when I try to deepen
“Don’t,” he whispers. “I am desperate to make love to you.”
“No, you need to rest, and it’s late. Go to sleep.” He switches off the bedside
light, plunging us into darkness.
“I love you unconditionally, Christian,” I murmur as I cuddle into his side.
“I know,” he whispers, and I sense his shy smile.
I wake with a start. Light is flooding the room, and Christian is not in bed. I
glance at the clock and see it’s seven fifty-three. I take a deep breath and wince as
my ribs smart though not as badly as yesterday. I think I could go to work.
Work—Yes. I want to go to work.
It’s Monday, and I spent all of yesterday lounging about in bed. Christian
only let me go out briefly to see Ray. Honestly, he’s still such a control freak. I
smile fondly. My control freak. He’s been attentive and loving and chatty . . . and
hands-off since I arrived home. I scowl. I am going to have to do something about
this. My head doesn’t hurt, the pain around my ribs has eased—though, admittedly,
laughing has to be undertaken with caution—but I’m frustrated. I think this
is the longest I’ve gone without sex since . . . well, since the first time.
I think we’ve both recovered our equilibrium. Christian is much more relaxed;
his long bedtime story seems to have laid some ghosts to rest, for him and
for me. We’ll see.
I shower quickly, and once I’m dry, I browse carefully through my clothes. I
want something sexy. Something that might galvanize Christian into action. Who
would have thought such an insatiable man could actually exercise so much selfcontrol?
I don’t really want to dwell on how Christian learned such discipline over
his body. We haven’t spoken of the Bitch Troll once since his confessional. I hope
we never do. To me she’s dead and buried.
I choose an almost indecently short black skirt and a white silk blouse with a
frill. I slide on thigh-highs with lacy tops and my black Louboutin pumps. A little
mascara and lip gloss for a natural look, and after a ferocious brushing, I leave my
hair loose. Yes. This should do it.
Christian is eating at the breakfast bar. His forkful of omelet stops in midair
when he sees me. He frowns.
“Good morning, Mrs. Grey. Going somewhere?”
“Work.” I smile sweetly.
“I don’t think so.” Christian snorts with amused derision. “Dr. Singh said a
“Christian, I am not spending the day lounging in bed on my own. So I may
as well go to work. Good morning, Gail.”
“Mrs. Grey.” Mrs. Jones tries to hide a smile. “Would you like some
“I’d prefer scrambled eggs with whole wheat toast.”
Mrs. Jones grins and Christian registers his surprise.
“Very good, Mrs. Grey,” Mrs. Jones says.
“Ana, you are not going to work.”
“No. It’s simple. Don’t argue.” Christian is adamant. I glare at him, and only
then do I notice that he’s in the same pajama bottoms and T-shirt he was wearing
“Are you going to work?” I ask.
Am I going crazy? “It is Monday, right?”
He smiles. “Last time I looked.”
I narrow my eyes. “Are you playing hooky?”
“I’m not leaving you here on your own to get into trouble. And Dr. Singh
said it would be a week before you could go back to work. Remember?”
I slide onto a bar stool beside him and hoist my skirt up a little. Mrs. Jones
places a cup of tea in front of me.“You look good,” Christian says. I cross my
legs. “Very good. Especially here.” He traces a finger over the bare flesh that
shows above my thigh-highs. My pulse quickens as his finger runs across my
skin. “This skirt is very short,” he murmurs, vague disapproval in his voice as his
eyes follow his finger.
“Is it? I hadn’t noticed.”
Christian gazes at me, mouth twisted in an amused yet exasperated smirk.
“Really, Mrs. Grey?”
“I’m not sure this look is suitable for the workplace,” he murmurs.
“Well, since I’m not going to work, that’s a moot point.”
“Moot,” I mouth.
Christian smirks again and resumes eating his omelet. “I have a better idea.”
He glances at me through long lashes, gray eyes darkening. I inhale sharply.
Oh, my. About time.
“We can go see how Elliot’s getting on with the house.”
What? Oh! Tease! I vaguely remember we were supposed to do that before
Ray was injured.
“I’d love to.”
“Good.” He grins.
“Don’t you have to work?”
“No. Ros is back from Taiwan. That all went well. Today, everything’s fine.”
“I thought you were going to Taiwan.”
He snorts again. “Ana, you were in the hospital.”
“Yeah—oh. So today I’m spending some quality time with my wife.” He
smacks his lips together as he takes a sip of coffee.
“Quality time?” I can’t disguise the hope in my voice.
Mrs. Jones places my scrambled eggs in front of me, again failing to hide her
Christian smirks. “Quality time.” He nods.
I am too hungry to flirt anymore with my husband.
“It’s good to see you eat,” he murmurs. Rising, he leans over and kisses my
hair. “I’m going to shower.”
“Um . . . can I come and scrub your back?” I mumble through a mouth full of
toast and scrambled egg.
Leaving the breakfast bar, he tugs his T-shirt over his head, treating me to the
sight of his finely sculptured shoulders and naked back as he saunters out of the
great room. I stop mid-chew. He’s doing this on purpose. Why?
Christian is relaxed on the drive north. We’ve just left Ray and Mr. Rodriguez
watching soccer on the new flat-screen television that I suspect Christian has
bought for Ray’s hospital room.
Christian has been laid back ever since “the talk.” It’s as if a weight has been
lifted; Mrs. Robinson’s shadow no longer looms so large over us, maybe because
I’ve decided to let it go—or because he has, I don’t know. But I feel closer to him
now than I ever have before. Perhaps because he’s finally confided in me. I hope
he continues to do so. And he’s more accepting of the baby, too. He hasn’t gone
out and bought a crib yet, but I have high hopes.
I gaze at him, drinking him in as he drives. He looks casual, cool . . . sexy
with his tousled hair, Ray-Bans, pinstripe jacket, white linen shirt, and jeans.
He glances at me and clasps my leg above the knee, his fingers stroking
gently. “I’m glad you didn’t change.”
I did slip on a denim jacket and change to flats, but I’m still wearing the short
skirt. His hand lingers above my knee. I put my hand on his.
“Are you going to continue to tease me?”
“Maybe.” Christian smiles.
“Because I can.” He grins, boyish as ever.
“Two can play at that game,” I whisper.
His fingers move tantalizingly up my thigh. “Bring it on, Mrs. Grey.” His
I pick up his hand and put it back on his knee. “Well, you can keep your
hands to yourself.”
He smirks. “As you wish, Mrs. Grey.”
Dammit. This game is going to backfire on me.
Christian turns into the driveway of our new house. He stops at the keypad and
punches in a number, and the ornate white metal gates swing open. We roar up the
tree-lined lane under leaves that are a blend of green, yellow, and burnished copper.
The tall grass in the meadow is turning gold, but there are still a few yellow
wildflowers dotted among the grass. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, and
the salty tang of the Sound is in the air mixed with the scent of the coming fall.
This is such a tranquil and beautiful place. And to think we’re going to make our
The lane curves around, and our house comes into view. Several large trucks,
sides emblazoned with GREY CONSTRUCTION, are parked out front. The house is
decked in scaffolding, and several workmen in hard hats are busy on the roof.
Christian pulls up outside the portico and switches off the engine. I can sense
“Let’s go find Elliot.”
“Is he here?”
“I hope so. I’m paying him enough.”
I snort, and Christian grins as we get out of the car.
“Yo, Bro!” Elliot shouts from somewhere. We both glance around.
“Up here!” He’s up on the roof, waving down at us and beaming from ear to
ear. “About time we saw you here. Stay where you are. I’ll be right down.”
I glance at Christian, who shrugs. A few minutes later, Elliot appears at the
“Hey, bro.” He shakes Christian’s hand. “And how are you, little lady?” He
picks me up and swings me around.
“Better, thanks,” I giggle breathlessly, my ribs protesting. Christian frowns at
him, but Elliot ignores him.
“Let’s head over to the site office. You’ll need one of these.” He taps his hard
The house is a shell. The floors are covered in a hard fibrous material that
looks like burlap; some of the original walls have disappeared and new ones have
taken their place. Elliot leads us through, explaining what’s happening, while
men—and a few women—work everywhere around us. I’m relieved to see the
stone staircase with its intricate iron balustrade is still in place and draped completely
in white dustsheets.
In the main living area, the back wall has been removed to make way for
Gia’s glass wall, and work is beginning on the terrace. In spite of the mess, the
view is still stunning. The new work is sympathetic and in keeping with the oldworld
charm of the house . . . Gia’s done well. Elliot patiently explains the processes
and gives us a rough timeframe for each. He’s hoping we can be in by
Christmas, although Christian thinks this is optimistic.
Holy cow—Christmas overlooking the Sound. I can’t wait. A bubble of excitement
blooms inside me. I have visions of us trimming an enormous tree while
a copper-haired little boy looks on in wonder.
Elliot finishes our tour in the kitchen. “I’ll leave you two to roam. Be careful.
This is a building site.”
“Sure. Thanks, Elliot,” Christian murmurs, taking my hand. “Happy?” he
asks once Elliot has left us alone. I am gazing at this empty shell of a room and
wondering where I will hang the pepper pictures that we bought in France.
“Very. I love it. You?”
“Ditto.” He grins.
“Good. I was thinking of the pepper pictures in here.”
Christian nods. “I want to put up José’s portraits of you in this house. You
need to decide where they should go.”
I blush. “Somewhere I won’t see them often.”
“Don’t be like that.” He scolds me, brushing his thumb across my bottom lip.
“They’re my favorite pictures. I love the one in my office.”
“I have no idea why,” I murmur and kiss the pad of his thumb.
“Worse things to do than look at your beautiful smiling face all day.
Hungry?” he asks.
“Hungry for what?” I whisper.
He smirks, his eyes darkening. Hope and desire unfurl in my veins.
“Food, Mrs. Grey.” And he plants a swift kiss on my lips.
I give him my faux pout and sigh. “Yes. These days I’m always hungry.”
“The three of us can have a picnic.”
“Three of us? Is someone joining us?”
Christian cocks his head to one side. “In about seven or eight months.”
Oh . . . Blip. I grin goofily at him.
“I thought you might like to eat al fresco.”
“In the meadow?” I ask.
“Sure.” I grin.
“This will be a great place to raise a family,” he murmurs, gazing down at
Family! More than one? Dare I mention this now?
He spreads his fingers over my belly. Holy shit. I hold my breath and place
my hand over his.
“It’s hard to believe,” he whispers, and for the first time I hear wonder in his
“I know. Oh—here, I have evidence. A picture.”
“You do? Baby’s first smile?”
I pull out the ultrasound of Blip from my wallet.
Christian examines it closely, staring for several seconds. “Oh . . . Blip.
Yeah, I see.” He sounds distracted, awed.
“Your child,” I whisper.
“Our child.” He counters.
“First of many.”
“Many?” Christian’s eyes widen with alarm.
“At least two.”
“Two?” He tests the word. “Can we just take this one child at a time?”
I grin. “Sure.”
We head back outside into the warm fall afternoon.
“When are you going to tell your folks?” Christian asks.
“Soon,” I murmur. “I thought about telling Ray this morning, but Mr. Rodriguez
was there.” I shrug.
Christian nods and opens the hood of the R8. Inside are a wicker picnic basket
and the tartan blanket we bought in London.
“Come,” he says, taking the basket and blanket in one hand and holding the
other out to me. Together we walk into the meadow.
“Sure, Ros, go for it.” Christian hangs up. That’s the third call he’s taken during
our picnic. He’s kicked off his shoes and socks, and is watching me, arms on his
raised knees. His jacket lies discarded on top of mine, as we’re warm in the sun. I
lie beside him, stretched out on the picnic blanket, both of us surrounded by tall
golden and green grass far from the noise at the house and hidden from the prying
eyes of the construction workers. We are in our own bucolic haven. He feeds me
another strawberry, and I chew and suck it gratefully, gazing at his darkening
“Tasty?” he whispers.
“Of strawberries, yes.”
His eyes glitter dangerously, and he grins. “Mrs. Jones packs a mighty fine
picnic,” he says.
“That she does,” I whisper.
Shifting suddenly, he lies down so his head is resting on my belly. He closes
his eyes and seems content. I tangle my fingers in his hair.
He sighs heavily, then scowls and checks the number on the screen of his
buzzing BlackBerry. He rolls his eyes and takes the call.
“Welch,” he snaps. He tenses, listens for a second or two, then suddenly bolts
“24-7 . . . Thanks,” he says through gritted teeth and hangs up. The change in
his mood is instant. Gone is my teasing, flirtatious husband, replaced by a cold,
calculating master of the universe. He narrows his eyes for a moment then gives
me a cool, chilling smile. A shiver runs down my back. He picks up his Black-
Berry and presses a speed dial.
“Ros, how much stock do we own in Lincoln Timber?” He kneels up.
My scalp prickles. Oh no, what’s this?
“So, consolidate the shares into GEH, then fire the board . . . except the
CEO . . . I don’t give a fuck . . . I hear you, just do it . . . thank you . . . keep me
informed.” He hangs up, and gazes at me impassively for a moment.
Holy shit! Christian is mad.
“Linc,” he murmurs.
“Linc? Elena’s ex?”
“The same. He’s the one who posted Hyde’s bail.”
I gape at Christian in shock. His mouth is pressed in a hard line.
“Well—he’ll look like an idiot,” I murmur, dismayed. “I mean, Hyde committed
another crime while out on bail.”
Christian’s eyes narrow and he smirks. “Fair point well made, Mrs. Grey.”
“What did you just do?” I kneel, facing him.
“I fucked him over.”
Oh! “Um . . . that seems a little impulsive,” I murmur.
“I’m an in-the-moment kind of guy.”
“I’m aware of that.”
His eyes narrow and his lips thin. “I’ve had this plan in my back pocket for a
while,” he says dryly.
I frown. “Oh?”
He pauses, seeming to weigh something in his mind, then takes a deep breath.
“Several years back, when I was twenty-one, Linc beat his wife to a pulp. He
broke her jaw, her left arm, and four of her ribs because she was fucking me.” His
eyes harden. “And now I learn he posted bail for a man who tried to kill me, kidnapped
my sister, and fractured my wife’s skull. I’ve had enough. I think it’s payback
I blanch. Holy shit. “Fair point well made, Mr. Grey,” I whisper.
“Ana, this is what I do. I’m not usually motivated by revenge, but I cannot let
him get away with this. What he did to Elena . . . well, she should have pressed
charges, but she didn’t. That was her prerogative.
“But he’s seriously crossed the line with Hyde. Linc’s made this personal by
going after my family. I’m going to crush him, break up his company right under
his nose, and sell the pieces to the highest bidder. I am going to bankrupt him.”
Oh . . .
“Besides.” Christian smirks. “We’ll make good money out of the deal.”
I stare into blazing gray eyes that soften suddenly.
“I didn’t mean to frighten you,” he whispers.
“You didn’t,” I lie.
He arches a brow, amused.
“You just took me by surprise,” I whisper, then swallow. Christian is really
quite scary sometimes.
He brushes his lips against mine. “I will do anything to keep you safe. Keep
my family safe. Keep this little one safe,” he murmurs and splays his hand out
over my belly in a gentle caress.
Oh . . . I stop breathing. Christian gazes down at me, his eyes darkening. His
lips part as he inhales and, in a deliberate move, the tips of his fingers brush
against my sex.
Holy shit. Desire detonates like an incendiary device igniting my bloodstream.
I grasp his head, my fingers weaving into his hair, and tug hard so my lips
find his. He gasps, surprised by my assault, giving my tongue free passage into his
mouth. He groans and kisses me back, his lips and tongue hungry for mine, and
for a moment we consume each other, lost in tongues and lips and breaths and
sweet, sweet sensation as we rediscover each other.
Oh, I want this man. It’s been too long. I want him here, now, in the open air,
in our meadow.
“Ana,” he breathes, entranced, and his hand skims over my backside to the
hem of my skirt. I scramble to unbutton his shirt, all fingers and thumbs.
“Whoa, Ana—stop.” He pulls back, his jaw clenched, and grabs my hands.
“No.” My teeth clamp gently around his lower lip and I tug. “No,” I murmur
again, gazing at him. I release him. “I want you.”
He inhales sharply. He’s torn, his indecision writ large in luminous gray eyes.
“Please, I need you.” Every pore of my being is begging. This is what we do.
He groans in defeat as his mouth finds mine, molding my lips to his. One
hand cradles my head while the other skims down my body to my waist, and he
eases me onto my back and stretches out beside me, never breaking contact with
He pulls back, hovering over me and gazing down. “You are so beautiful,
I caress his lovely face. “So are you, Mr. Grey. Inside and out.”
He frowns, and my fingers trace the furrow in his brow.
“Don’t frown. You are to me, even when you’re angry,” I whisper.
He groans once more, and his mouth captures mine, pushing me into the soft
grass beneath the blanket.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispers, and his teeth graze my jaw. My heart soars.
“I’ve missed you, too. Oh, Christian.” I fist one hand in his hair and clutch
his shoulder with the other.
His lips move to my throat, leaving tender kisses in their wake, and his fingers
follow, deftly undoing each button of my blouse. Tugging my blouse apart,
he kisses the soft swell of my breasts. He murmurs appreciatively, low in his
throat, and the sound echoes through my body to my deep dark places.
“Your body’s changing,” he whispers. His thumb teases my nipple until it’s
erect and straining against my bra. “I like,” he adds. I watch his tongue taste and
trace the line between my bra and my breast, tantalizing and teasing me. Taking
my bra cup delicately between his teeth, he pulls it down, freeing my breast and
nuzzling my nipple with his nose in the process. It puckers at his touch and from
the chill of the gentle fall breeze. His lips close around me, and he sucks long and
“Ah!” I groan, inhaling sharply then wincing as pain radiates outward from
my bruised ribs.
“Ana!” Christian exclaims and glares down at me, concern etched on his
face. “This is what I’m talking about,” he admonishes. “Your lack of self-preservation.
I don’t want to hurt you.”
“No . . . don’t stop,” I whimper. He stares at me, warring with himself.
“Here.” Abruptly he moves, and I’m sitting astride him, my short skirt now
bunched up around my hips. His hands glide over the top of my thigh-highs.
“There. That’s better, and I can enjoy the view.” He reaches up and hooks his
long index finger into my other bra cup, freeing that breast, too. He grasps both of
my breasts, and I throw my head back, pushing them into his welcome, expert
hands. He teases me, tugging and rolling my nipples until I cry out, then sits up so
we’re nose to nose, his greedy gray eyes on mine. He kisses me, his fingers still
teasing me. I scramble for his shirt, undoing the first two buttons, and it’s like
sensory overload—I want to be kissing him everywhere, undressing him, making
love with him all at once.
“Hey—” He gently grasps my head and pulls back, eyes dark and full of sensual
promise. “There’s no rush. Take it slow. I want to savor you.”
“Christian, it’s been so long.” I’m panting.
“Slow,” he whispers, and it’s a command. He kisses the right corner of my
mouth. “Slow.” He kisses the left corner. “Slow, baby.” He tugs my bottom lip
with his teeth. “Let’s take this slow.” He unfurls his fingers in my hair, keeping
me in place as his tongue invades my mouth, seeking, tasting, calming . . . inflaming.
Oh, my man can kiss.
I caress his face, my fingers moving tentatively down to his chin then to his
throat, and I start again on the buttons of his shirt, taking my time, as he continues
to kiss me. Slowly I pull his shirt apart, my fingers trailing over his clavicles, feeling
their way across his warm, silky skin. I push him gently back until he’s lying
beneath me. Sitting up, I gaze down at him, aware that I’m squirming against his
growing erection. Hmm. I trace my fingers across his lips to his jaw then down his
neck, over his Adam’s apple to that little dip at the base of his throat. My beautiful
man. I lean down, and my kisses follow the tips of my fingers. My teeth graze his
jaw and kiss his throat. He closes his eyes.
“Ah.” He groans and tilts his head back, giving me easier access to the base
of his throat, his mouth slack and open in silent veneration. Christian lost and
aroused is just so exhilarating . . . and so arousing to me.
My tongue trails down his sternum, twirling through his chest hair. Hmm. He
tastes so good. He smells so good. Intoxicating. I kiss first one, then two of his
small round scars, and he grasps my hips, so my fingers halt on his chest as I gaze
down at him. His breathing is harsh.
“You want this? Here?” he breathes, his eyes hooded with a heady combination
of love and lust.
“Yes,” I murmur, and my lips and tongue graze across his chest to his nipple.
I pull and roll it gently with my teeth.
“Oh, Ana,” he whispers and circling my waist he lifts me, tugging at his button
and fly so he springs free. He sits me down again, and I push against him, delighting
in the feel of him hot and hard beneath me. He runs his hands up my
thighs, pausing where my thigh-highs stop and my flesh begins, his hands running
small teasing circles at the top of my thighs so that the tips of his thumbs touch
me . . . touch me where I want to be touched. I gasp.
“I hope you’re not attached to your underwear,” he murmurs, his eyes wild
and bright. His fingers trace the elastic along my belly then slide inside, teasing
me, before grabbing my panties tightly and pushing his thumbs through the delicate
material. My panties disintegrate. His hands splay out on my thighs, and his
thumbs brush against my sex once more. He flexes his hips so his erection rubs
“I can feel how wet you are.” His voice is tinged with carnal appreciation,
and he suddenly sits up, his arm around my waist again, so we’re nose to nose. He
rubs his nose against mine.
“We’re going to take this slow, Mrs. Grey. I want to feel all of you.” He lifts
me, and with exquisite, frustrating, slow ease, lowers me onto him. I feel each
blessed inch of him fill me.
“Ah—” I moan incoherently as I reach out to clasp his arms. I try to lift myself
off him for some welcome friction, but he holds me in place.
“All of me,” he whispers and tilts his pelvis, pushing himself into me all the
way. I throw my head back and let out a strangled cry of pure pleasure.
“Let me hear you,” he murmurs. “No—don’t move, just feel.”
I open my eyes, my mouth frozen in a silent Ah! And he’s gazing at me,
hooded, licentious gray eyes into dazed blue. He shifts, rolling his hips, but holds
me in place.
I groan. His lips are at my throat, kissing me.
“This is my favorite place. Buried in you,” he murmurs against my skin.
“Please, move,” I plead.
“Slow, Mrs. Grey.” He flexes his hips again and pleasure radiates through
me. I cup his face and kiss him, consuming him.
“Love me. Please, Christian.”
His teeth skim my jaw up to my ear. “Go,” he whispers, and he lifts me up
and down. My inner goddess is unleashed, and I push him down on the ground
and start to move, savoring the feeling of him inside me . . . riding him . . . riding
him hard. With his hands around my waist he matches my rhythm. I have missed
this . . . the heady feeling of him beneath me, inside me . . . the sun on my back,
the sweet smell of fall in the air, the gentle autumnal breeze. It’s a heady fusion of
senses: touch, taste, smell, and the sight of my beloved husband beneath me.
“Oh, Ana.” He groans, eyes closed, head back, mouth open.
Ah . . . I love this. And inside, I’m building . . . building . . . climbing . . .
higher. Christian’s hands move to my thighs, and delicately his thumbs press at
their apex, and I explode around him over and over and over and over, and I collapse,
sprawled on his chest as he cries out in turn, letting go and calling out my
name with love and joy.
He cuddles me against his chest, cradling my head. Hmm. Closing my eyes, I savor
the feel of his arms around me. My hand is on his chest, feeling the steady
beat of his heart as it slows and calms. I kiss and nuzzle him, and marvel briefly
that not long ago he would not have let me do this.
“Better?” he whispers. I raise my head. He’s grinning broadly.
“Much. You?” My answering grin reflects his.
“I’ve missed you, Mrs. Grey.” He’s serious for a moment.
“No more heroics, eh?”
“No,” I promise.
“You should always talk to me,” he whispers.
“Back at you, Grey.”
He smirks. “Fair point well made. I’ll try.” He kisses my hair.
“I think we’re going to be happy here,” I whisper, closing my eyes again.
“Yep. You, me and . . . Blip. How do you feel, incidentally?”
“Fine. Relaxed. Happy.”
“Yeah, all those things,” he murmurs.
I look up at him, trying to gauge his expression.
“What?” he asks.
“You know, you’re very bossy when we have sex.”
“Are you complaining?”
“No. I’m just wondering . . . you said you missed it.”
He stills, gazing at me. “Sometimes,” he whispers.
Oh. “Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that,” I murmur and kiss
him lightly on his lips, curling around him like a vine. Images of us together, in
the playroom; the Tallis, the table, on the cross, shackled to the bed . . . I love his
kinky fuckery—our kinky fuckery. Yes. I can do that stuff. I can do that for him,
with him. I can do that for me. My skin tingles as I remember the riding crop.
“I like to play, too,” I murmur, and glancing up, I’m treated to his shy smile.
“You know, I’d really like to test your limits,” he whispers.
“My limits for what?”
“Oh, I think I’d like that.” My inner goddess drops into a dead faint.
“Well, maybe when we get home,” he whispers, leaving that promise hanging
I nuzzle him once more. I love him so.
It’s been two days since our picnic. Two days since the promise of well, maybe
when we get home was made. Christian is still treating me like I’m made of glass.
He still won’t let me go to work, so I have been working from home. I put the
stack of query letters I’ve been reading aside on my desk and sigh. Christian and I
haven’t been back in the playroom since I safe worded. And he’s said he misses it.
Well, so do I . . . especially now that he wants to explore my limits. I flush, thinking
what that could possibly entail. I glance at the billiard table . . . Yes I can’t
wait to explore those.
My thoughts are interrupted by soft, lyrical music that fills the apartment.
Christian is playing the piano; not one of his usual laments but a sweet melody, a
hopeful melody—one that I recognize, but have never heard him play.
I tiptoe to the archway of the great room and watch Christian at the piano. It’s
dusk. The sky is an opulent pink, and the light is reflected off his burnished copper
hair. He looks his beautiful breathtaking self, concentrating as he plays, unaware
of my presence. He’s been so forthcoming over the last few days, so attentive—
offering small insights into his day, his thoughts, his plans. It’s as if he’s
breached a dam and started talking.
I know he’ll come to check on me in a few minutes, and it gives me an idea.
Excited, I steal away, hoping that he still hasn’t noticed me, and race to our room,
stripping off my clothes as I go, until I’m wearing nothing but pale blue lace
panties. I find a pale blue camisole and slip into it quickly. It will hide my bruise.
Diving into the closet, I pull out Christian’s faded jeans—his playroom jeans, my
favorite jeans—from the drawer. From my bedside table I pick up my BlackBerry,
fold the jeans neatly, and kneel by the bedroom door. The door is ajar, and I can
hear the strains of another piece, one I don’t know. But it’s another hopeful tune;
it’s lovely. Quickly I type an email.
From: Anastasia Grey
Subject: My Husband’s Pleasure
Date: September 21, 2011 20:45
To: Christian Grey
I await your instructions.
Mrs. G x
I press send.
A few moments later the music stops abruptly. My heart lurches and starts
pounding. I wait and wait and eventually my BlackBerry buzzes.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: My Husband’s Pleasure <--- love this title baby
Date: September 21, 2011 20:48
To: Anastasia Grey
I’m intrigued. I’ll come find you.
Anticipative CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
Be ready! My heart starts to pound and I begin to count. Thirty-seven
seconds later the door opens. I’m looking down at his bare feet as they pause on
the threshold. Hmm. He says nothing. For ages he says nothing. Oh shit. I resist
the urge to look up at him and keep my eyes downcast.
Finally, he reaches down and picks up his jeans. He stays silent but heads into
the walk-in closet while I remain stock-still. Oh my . . . this is it. My heart is
thundering, and I relish the rush of adrenaline that spikes through my body. I
squirm as my excitement builds. What will he do to me? A few moments later
he’s back, wearing the jeans.
“So you want to play?” he murmurs.
He says nothing, and I risk a quick glance . . . up his jeans, his denim clad
thighs, the soft bulge at his fly, the open button at the waist, his happy trail, his
navel, his chiseled abdomen, his chest hair, his gray eyes blazing, and his head
cocked to one side. He’s arching an eyebrow. Oh shit.
“Yes what?” he whispers.
His eyes soften. “Good girl,” he murmurs, and he caresses my head. “I think
we’d better get you upstairs now,” he adds. My insides liquefy, and my belly
clenches in that delicious way.
He takes my hand and I follow him through the apartment and up the stairs.
Outside the playroom door, he halts and bends and kisses me gently before grasping
my hair hard.
“You know, you’re topping from the bottom,” he murmurs against my lips.
“What?” I don’t understand what he’s talking about.
“Don’t worry. I’ll live with it,” he whispers, amused, and he runs his nose
along my jaw and gently bites my ear. “Once inside, kneel, like I’ve shown you.”
“Yes . . . Sir.”
He gazes down at me, eyes shining with love, wonder, and wicked thoughts.
Jeez . . . Life is never going to be boring with Christian, and I’m in this for
the long haul. I love this man: my husband, my lover, father of my child, my
sometimes Dominant . . . my Fifty Shades.